KabobFest Founder and Ikhras house pet Will Youmans testifies in support of restrictions on Muslims at King Hearings

Will Youmans, who struggles to perform as the "Iron Sheik"  (a play on words as he wears a full body rubber condom from his sponsor Sheik Condoms during his performances), announced he supports the hearings being sponsored by New York Congressman Peter King. Youmans will be one of the first witnesses and he is expected to provide inside information on the formation of the two hate sites he supports and founded, KabobFest and Ikhras.

"We're very excited that Youmans will be testifying," King said in a press release Wednesday, the day before the hearings on how Muslims are inciting terrorism in America. "Youman's is the poster-girl for Islamic terrorism, running one of the most terrorizing literary sites on the Internet, despite its many grammar and spelling errors. Hey, Youman's is a Mohammadan and English is his 4th language. Fourth language. Like a fourth wife."

King and his supporters, David Duke, Ariel Sharon and James O'Keefe who, working with Youmans helped produce the video sting on NPR salesman Ron Schiller, all chuckled at King's joke.

"It's one of Youmans'favorites," King laughed.

Youmans has been on a mission to undermine the Palestinian cause, commit the Palestinian refugees to a lifetime of refugee status so that he and his friends can profit from their suffering. But King said that the issue is further proof that he is not "anti-Moslem" because he supports Will Youmans.

"I am just hoping we can get him to do that salacious hootchie-cootchie dance that he does on stage when he is rapping and everyone is sitting there in stilled shock and silence.

Youmans is the "brains" behind KabobFest and Ikhras, two sites that fabricate stories and information and facts in their Don Quixote quest to be funny.

"They are not funny at all," said Libya President Moammar Qadhafi. "Youmans is serious mensiff. I mean, when I hesitated to order my planes to kill those protesters, Youmans yelled like an old lady at a funeral, ululating in horror that I would miss an opportunity to slam other Arabs and Muslims. I think Youmans said pretty eloquently 'dat's what I do do.' That's why I love Youmans," Gadhafi chuckled.

Gadhafi also said he thought Youmans looked "cute" in that rubberized Speedo from Sheik that he wears on stage. "The blue one with the sequins are beautiful," Gadhafi's son Saif, who spent many nights with Youmans in Tripoli's night clubs, added.

Youmans also announced that the claims that Ray Hanania did not get nominated for a Pulitzer Prize were in fact a lie that KabobFest created because when you bring all the KabobFest writers together, their brains barely can fill an expertly hollowed-out potato or squash.

"Hanania was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize by the Chicago Sun-Times for his four-part series exposing the suffering of the Palestinians under Israeli occupation during the first Intifada. We hate Hanania because he was the only journalist to write about the Palestinians in a major newspaper and while we did our best to complain to the newspaper, it didn't work,"  Youmans confessed.

"We couldn't write a letter to the editor because, you know, our English is deficit. So KabobFest and Ikhras both apologize to Mr. Hanania for writing the lie. It's the only thing we could come up with. We tried. We brainstormed for many nights. Well, it wasn't a storm at all. But I did get to wear my rubber Sheik outfit on stage for the boys at KabobFest and Ikhras and you know how they loved that!"

Youmans also announced that despite many unread postings, Hanania will not be on Dancing with the Stars and never was a contender. In fact, Youmans was to be the dancer but his partner, Charlie Sheen, had a meltdown in public the other day over the cancellation of his TV sitcom Two and a Half Men. Youmans said he tried out for the sitcom because he is only half a man; he thought having an illiterate buffoon who can't write or speak would make the show funnier.

"Actually, it wasn't Hanania on DWTS. It was me. I was rejected. I've been trying my best to get publicity for myself for years. I even worked at the Palestine Center pretending to be a communications writer, but as everyone knows who reads KabobFest, I can't write. I didn't know I couldn't write because I couldn't read," Youmans said.

Youmans said he will leave all of the postings on KabobFest as a part of his effort to expose Muslims as alcoholics -- "I wrote extensively about that on my latest KabobFest posting," Youmans said -- and he would go ahead an appear as the quintessential Islamic radical to help Congressman King make his point.

"Oh, and I want to apologize to Hanania for attacking his seat on the National ADC Board. We lied so much saying that he was anti-Arab and anti-Muslim and sent in all three of those protest letters and made those five phone calls, but the truth is we're more racist than he ever was. Hanania is very supportive of the Palestinians and the American Moslem community and I think jealousy drove us to attack him,"  Youmans said.

Youmans will be joined by conjoined twins Qasim Lufti and Thabit al-Arabi at the hearings. Lufti and al-Arabi will be demonstrating how some Arab fanatics wear burqas and face-veils.

"We love to wear the burqas," Qasim giggled while Thabit sucked on his thumb. "We cover everything, except our ignorances, don't we Thabit?"

"Well, we don't cover how stupid we are, Qasim," Thabit chortled.

Youmans, Qasim and Thabit then put their arms on their shoulders and started to dance the Hora to the Israeli national anthem, and started singing their favorite refrain, off-key, "We hate Jews because Jews are easy to hate. Jews. Jews. Jews. Anti-Semitism is fun."

Before long, King wrapped his arms around Youmans and said, "Look. I hate Jews too but I can't get elected saying that in New York. So, guys, let's focus on the real issue here. Do you wear anything under that Berqa Qasim? Because when I said I will be exposing Islamic terrorism, I really meant we were going to be doing some exposing."

"Oh darn," Thabit exclaimed on his toes. "I dropped my most precious cargo. A locket of Ariel Sharon's hair. He gave it to me personally when I helped him up in Lebanon to figure out which refugee camp was which. He wanted to attack Jisr al-Basha but I told him he should focus on Sabra and Shatilla. He thought they were just hummus joints."

-- Maklooba Man