Chicago Mosque declared "too close to Ground Zero"

Protests surge in Chicago against new mosque criticized as being "too close to Ground Zero"

A mosque planned to be built in a vacant building formerly occupied by U Lucky Dawg and Fluky's Hot Dogs on Chicago's North Side is being denounced as "located too close to Ground Zero."

About 5,000 protesters led by rightwing activists Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Newt "Gingrinch" Gingrich, Ann Coulter, Joe Farah, Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh, Charles Krauthammer, and Glenn Beck, chanted anti-Muslim and anti-Catholic slogans as they paraded in front of the proposed mosque location at Western Avenue and Pratt Street.

"This was all started because John F. Kennedy tried to make the Pope the president of the United States in 1960," screamed Ann Coulter. Coulter immediately got into a noogy fight with Joe Farah as the two battled over who is more racist.

Beck carried a 32 foot tall measuring tape donated by former New York Mayor Rudi Guilliani and said he would precisely measure how far the proposed mosque in Chicago is from Ground Zero in New York.

"This mosque is an affront to Americans," Beck told a crowd of burning cross wavers. "I have personally measured the distance and it is exactly 714 miles and six blocks. That is 1,149 kilometers but we are not commie socialists like Imam Obama so we don't use the kilometer measure."

The crowd cheered "down with the kilometer" repeatedly as Beck waved his white hood in the air to attract the attention of autograph hounds surrounding Sarah Palin who was sporting her new campaign dress, a mini-skirt made out of the actual U.S. Constitution. Apparently, a large section of the Second Amendment had fallen off the back of the mini-skirt exposing her true voter attractions.

Gingrinch grabbed the microphone from Beck after stepping over six homeless people who were sleeping in front of the vacated building. He declared, "Listen, I don't think it would be right for Muslims to build a mosque so close to the sacred hallowed grounds of Ground Zero which is only 714 miles away. This isn't about hatred for Muslims or Islam but merely a matter of respect. Muslims need to show respect to Christians and Crusaders. I don't think it would be appropriate, for example, for the Catholic Church to have set up a sign denouncing the Inquisition back in the day."

The mention of the Inquisition brought a collective sigh from the speakers podium where Coulter and Farah were engaged in what looked like a Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Jello wrestling event.

"Yes, the Inquisition," Malkin sighed as she combed her dyed brunette hair while yelling at Krauthammer, who kept pinching her ass, "I am NOT a blond Charlie. Honestly. Quit calling me that and I'm not going to prove it to you!"

Guilliani announced a fundraiser to bring back U Lucky Dawg to the neighborhood.

Chicago officials said that the mosque would probably be built despite the complaints from the "Return U Lucky Dawg Coalition" which said they were going to march from Selma Chicago to New York Alabama in protest of  "another mosque desecrating the hallowed memory of Sept. 11, 2001."

"Frankly, the builders have already paid the bribe to the building department and we ain't returning no money and I don't care if that money is in shekels, dinars or sand script. It's ours and I ain't returning it no how," a building inspector for Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley declared. "It just wouldn't be fair to return money gibben for a building permit. That would set a whole new precedent we ain't gonna tolerate here no how and no where. I don't care if theya re the Muslims, Mormons or the Moose."

Hannity was carrying a placard that read "KabobFest is not a Racist Site. It's just a little hateful in a likable way."  Limbaugh countered with his own sign, "I don't know what Ikhras means but it sounds like spitting and I love that."

-- Maklooba Man